Spam (madbodger) wrote,
Spam
madbodger

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Funk. Funk funk funk funk funk.

"I have of late, wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth." &mdash Shakespeare

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning in the grip of a black funk. The old, junion high school feeling of "nobody likes me". I dunno why, just sometimes the mood takes me.

Now there are a few people out there that I know care about me, and I cling to this knowledge like a drowning man when these moments hit me.

I don't like it when I have things taken from me today because of stupid things I did a long time ago. It hurts. But I probably deserve it.

I don't like it when I have things taken from me because of stupid things I didn't do. That hurts too, but the people doing it probably really believe I did these things.

I really don't like it when I get punished for some stupid thing someone else did. Like in grade school, when everybody has to stay in class late because somebody talked. Or losing civil liberties because some nitwit was a terrorist.

I don't like it when I have things denied me because of someone's whim. A lot of common relationship problems hinge on variants of this one, where one person has a much bigger stake in the relationship than the other. So something that's no big deal to one person can devastate the other person. I hate that.

I don't like it when I have things denied me because of someone else's whim. A subtle difference from the one above, but this occurs when someone I'm not dealing with directly makes some random decision that has a huge effect on me. That hurts a lot. Why can't they take my feelings into account before going off and doing that.

And I totally don't like it when I have things taken from me for no reason at all. Sometimes I think that because there's no reason, if I try harder, I can get my wish. But the universe's implacable arbitrariness is a formidable foe, and can wear down anybody.

So who or what are tormenting me at the moment? That's the hell of it, I don't really know (hence the Shakespeare quote). There are several things that when I think about them, I find quite painful. But it's not my place to discuss those, and I fear that airing them would only make things worse. And they probably aren't the real issues anyway. The real issue is that I can't always have what I want, apparently.

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